I find myself thinking a lot about what it means to be Not Skinny. I never am sure where I fit on the range from skinny to fat, only that I’m not skinny. I joke around about it a lot but my weight is one of the things I’m most uncomfortable with about myself. Every fitness testing I dread height and weight because I know I’ll weigh too much for my height. I’ll have to know my BMI isn’t what I want it to be. I stand there on the scale fearing that the person behind me in line will accidently look in and see the number on the scale. I know in my mind that it wouldn’t matter- even if it did happen, no one would care. But that doesn’t make me less ashamed as I wait for the teacher to record my weight.
I don’t know why exactly I’m so embarrassed. I spend hours going through Instagram and I see plenty of women who are Not Skinny and they have nothing to be ashamed of just like I have nothing to be ashamed of. A body is a body and people shouldn’t be made to feel bad for how theirs looks. I constantly see other women being praised for being “thick” and I feel that I could fit into that category myself. But thicker thighs and some kind of ass don’t make me feel better about my stomach rolls and love handles.
I find myself getting annoyed as I write this. I think I’m shallow to be honest. Why do I care if other people find my body attractive? I know I shouldn’t but I do. I often think things that contradict what I actually believe. In my heart I truly believe that if I were just smaller, if I took up less space then maybe people would like me more. This is crap and I know that I definitely wouldn’t like someone less for being Not Skinny. But it’s hard to convince yourself of that in the moment where you take up the most space on the couch or when you go out to a restaurant and see that everyone else is eating so little.
I’m questioning whether I actually want to write this or whether I’d rather start again and try to throw something together because this is too personal for me. Maybe it would be better to write about anything but body image issues but it’s tiring to censor myself so I’m just trusting that no one will mock me and that someone else will understand.
This post really hit home for me, especially the part where you talk about the contradiction of making it seem like you don't care about your weight, but secretly being deeply insecure about it. When you combine this with the pervasive but relatively unspoken fatphobia in today's society and how that intersects with the female identity, it's no wonder we feel this way. There's so many sides to it as well, like when I see all these beautiful and inspiring women on social media reclaiming the word "fat" and proudly using it to describe themselves. When I see these women I think, "Could that be me? Do I have the right to call myself fat? Is 'thick' more appropriate?" "Not skinny" is a great way to describe this feeling -- none of these other adjectives really fit me. I'm really happy you posted this, because it's something I feel like needs to be talked about but rarely is.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you shared your thoughts on your body image and I think that it was very brave to do that because you said yourself you weren't sure you wanted to write this. Body image is an extremely tricky issue because everybody no matter their size struggles with it at some point in some form or another and the phrase "Not Skinny" works so well because it perfectly incapsulates not knowing how to label yourself. In a society where not only a specific body type is sought after (I heard someone describe this body type once as "healthy skinny" and thought that was horrible) but there is so much content being pumped out for women about their bodies, it's hard to ignore how we look or that it is not how all the supermodels look. Only the supermodels look like the supermodels. I'm not sure what it means to be "Not Skinny" or what it means to fit the label of "skinny" or "fat" or "thick" or what it means to fully accept our bodies, but thank you for sharing your thoughts on it.
ReplyDeleteLike Ellie and Xanthe, I'm so glad you went ahead and wrote this, and then posted it. It's brave to talk about your feelings about your body, no matter what your size or how you feel about it. But it's especially brave when you're not skinny, because it's so true that we live in a fatphobic culture. Our media, the fashion industry, and so much of popular culture sells us on the idea that skinny is desirable. But bodies come in all shapes and sizes, beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, and heathy too comes in all shapes and sizes. It's important to reject the message that our bodies must fit into one particular mold. I agree with Xanthe that everyone struggles with this, but particularly girls and women. As a kid, I was mortified by being too skinny, and I got a ton of unwanted attention from people who felt very free to comment on the body I really just wanted to hide. And of course, on the other side, my not-skinny friends were getting the message that their bodies weren't okay, either. It's a no-win situation trying to live up to other people's body standards (particularly because those standards are so influenced by people who want to sell us something––and self-acceptance does not sell products).
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you wrote this. Just to start, I think that you are beautiful and find myself admiring you from afar:) I totally understand where you are coming from even though weight hasn't been an issue for me. Often times I feel unsatisfied with my body because it isn't perfect and that's where I find myself relating with you. Also, I don't think that you are being shallow. The entire third paragraph is me as well. I can look at any person and find something beautiful about them, but can't seem to do that for myself. You sharing this helps me a lot because it I realize that I am beautiful just the way I am and so are you:)
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